Just 17 Days to Go

Last night, I decided to take up the YEP trip to India again when I found out that Mingfong will be going for it too. It feels really strange, cos in a way, it feels like it is a rash decision - from the time I received MF's sms to the time I called up to confirm that I want to be included in the trip, it took less than an hour! Yet, this has been a trip that I have talked about, dreamt about, and kinda looked forward to since late last year. What I tell myself at the moment is - HUINI, DON'T THINK! JUST GO AHEAD AND DO IT!

I have regretted not going to Australia for exchange, and I have also regretted not going to the States for summer camp (even though I was going to be CHIEF KITCHEN CHEF if I did end up going... how ridiculous does that sound huh?).

For the past 2 no-go(s), I sometimes lapse into thinking back on the ONE reason why I stopped myself from going... there are a lot of cons that I come up with of course, but there has always been that ONE reason why i grit my teeth and tell myself not let go of the opportunity.

For this India trip, I had almost done the same thing. The same thing tugged at my heart, made me uncertain, made me waiver in my decision, and opted for a no-go yet again eventually.

But having a break for over a month now has allowed me to think a lot... about what I want for myself... what do I want to be happening for me in the next 50 years thereabout.

I was afraid that going for the India trip would mean to me that I would not be able to find a job when I am back; I will face more competition in getting a job with the new cohort coming out; things will change; I will get depressed for THE reason... blah blah blah...

What I might have failed to realise is that - even if all those things do happen when I am back - life still goes on!

I have grown to understand that happiness really comes about as a matter of choice (except when it comes to my family, since I am more of less born into it just like that). Even with regards to family, I do believe that as much as I am unhappy with it, the only way I can get out of it is to start my own 'family' one day, giving MY perception of family a whole new meaning after all these screwed up years. Then, what seperates me from attaining family happiness becomes clear - my CHOICE to start something of my own one say to get that happiness I feel I have been missing out on, or remain hypocritically filial till I die.

As many friends would have heard me musing - my life is not that short. I don't know if that is a pro or a con for now. Pro cos: When I do attempt to do things that are even remotely dangerous, I know that I won't die. Con cos: I think life is a painful journey so far, and at 23 in a few days, I am already feeling drained.

I always think about what one of my dearest friends, Ron, has said to me - that he thinks that I am a giver this lifetime. And with the kind of fatique that I feel inside, I do wish to give up some years of my life to those who think they'd have better use with the extra time.

Alternatively, I would have loved to divide the time I have left with my late grandma - I would have then lived an entire life where I am loved and have loved.