Many, Many Changes

Just 10 days ago, I spoke about going to India with much excitement, prizing the adventure as the immediate goal of my life.

But now, many, many things seem to have happened in the past 10 days... and I cannot even recall how I was feeling when I made my last entry! A blog, a diary etc really proves to help us recall our past doesn't it?

The trip has been cancelled, and I find myself unable to commit to the uncertainties that lie ahead as contingencies are being mapped out.

Coincidentally, I found a job. It's in an industry that I have NO interest in. But who ever thought I could be interested in tyres too? The current job in the shipping line, and my stint at Michelin, marks the only 2 applications I have ever sent in, whereby I have ZERO interest in the fields. But I applied for the same promise of travelling.

And who would have thought, that it should be so coincident that both supervisors that I report to should have the exact same name?!?!

Freaky coincidence as I have called it? Or is this just a cosmic fate kinda thing?

And just when I thought I was getting my life in place, what with a new job, readiness to start anew in a totally new world etc... I have been plagued by affairs of the heart, that draws my energy and passion for life like a deadly parasite... for it makes me wonder: is there a need and reason for working, for achievements... if I am going to lead a loveless life?

I have spent the past 2-3 years of my life in a painful, difficult and lonely sort of way - painful cos' I have been hurt; difficult cos' I cannot seem to grasp what the other party is thinking of; and lonely cos' not only does it often feel one-sided, my closest friends' rejection and disapproval of my pursuit leaves me with only my pillow to turn to on my depressed nights.

In my pursuit, I have lost friends, independence, confidence, time, youth, pride, belief, optimism, housewife-y dreams, ambitions...

I exchanged them for: rare moments of happiness, false hopes perhaps, crtitisms, loneliness, pain, frustrations, badly gritted teeth, introversion fits, emptiness...

The only thing I have left to lose... seems to be the meagre amount of hope that I have left in me. But I know this is slipping through my fingers quickly.

I have learnt in this time that - just as there is a limit as to how much air one's lungs can take, there is a limit to how much tears one can cry... for I have experienced a time when I thought I had depleted my tears.

But sadly, why is it that there doesn't seem to be a limit to how much pain one can feel? No limit to how much lost hope one can endure before giving up?

How could I have allowed another person to bring me so much misery? How could I have allowed another person to take control of my life like that?

I must have owed him too much in my past life.