Suicidal Sunday

Today, I almost killed myself.

My brother was in another of his fits... break-up with girlfriend, hence wanting to kill himself, thinking that his little life can leave the world feeling guilty.

I was deeply disappointed... not so much as with my brother himself, but with how there can be such a loserly character in existence. I got very upset, with how such behaviour can be allowed to exist in this world.

I started to cry myself, and scolded him. I thought I could have scolded some sense into him. But I was very wrong... for I was told to fuck off with my own screwed up life... REPEATEDLY (about 3 times perhaps?), and not tell him what to do with his life if I was having a screwed up time myself. In my hurt and anguish state, I told him to go jump off the building if he was really that adamant about dying.

My dad pulled me out of the room. My uncle told me to ignore the ingrateful bastard and his scornful words.

All I had in mind was to go into the kitchen, take a knife, walk to the ingrate's room, stab into myself, and tell him - This is what you should be doing if you want to die. Don't just sit there and talk about it loser! (and to think he watched Van Helsing just a few days before that... the death of the 3rd bride certainly did NOT get to him)

And get a real fucking knife for Christ's sake! A puny 2-inch Swiss army knife won't even make its way pass your fucking fats! GROW UP!!!

Then, part of me feels like it was a perfect time for me to end my own life perhaps. I could have used this as an excuse isn't it?

It was true... what my bro said about me having a screwed up life. I have found life to be a painful journey as well. Why not end the pain?

ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH

I am giving the plan of going to the UK a shot in a year's time. That is my shot at finding hope and happiness.