A Life To Call My Own

I think my new life is about to start. And this is a life I can call my own I think.

I think I had a life up to JC time. I joined the band though I sucked... I took Arts though I liked Physics better... and I got myself into VJC though I might have been more comfortable in somewhere nearer home and had less pressure.

But after grandma died in 2000, I clung on to many things. I clung to a Keith... I placed some hopes on Nicholas.

And there was Jianquan.

Then I graduated. But I didn't know what I wanted, and I didn't know how to get to where I think I wanted to be.

And I can't get proper jobs with reputable marketing companies. And I couldn't get any post-me-to-China jobs. And so came Michelin, 14.5 mths of break, 1 yr with ConocoPhillips, and this 7.5 months with MINDEF.

And there was Jianquan again. 4.5 years of him... 4.5 years of uncertainty, pain, joy, happiness, insults... you name it.

More importantly, I lived a life that wasn't mine.

I stayed back over the weekends though my lessons ended on Thursdays... just so I could send him home aftr his classes on Saturdays.

I gave up going for an exchange programme in Australia cos he would like preferred that I stay on to be his secretary.

I turn my head away from Ah Hock's gang cos he feels I shouldn't associate with 'weaklings'.

I made sure I returned home by 6-ish when he was in China so he would have someone to whine to after work.

I talked to few other males and hang out less with the band people who were mostly guys so he won't be unhappy.

I fell out with my close friends Huimin and Jiesi at some point in time cos I believed him when he said one of them slithered her hand down his arm.

At a time where I didn't have any inkling on what I want in life, he was a steadfast source of assurance... that there IS life out there. And HIS life was IT.

Now, I have a dream job lying ahead of me.

Have I worked hard for it? I don't know. I have worked harder for other things.

Do I deserve it? Considering it makes a lot of people jealous? I think so. Cos even Abigael gave me a few kind (or so I think) words about being more confident of myself. Since such words are hard to come by, I think they are quite significant.

Let me quote in case I forget...

"Some of my candidates, they have XXX experiences but when they apply, they can't even get in. So that means there must be something in you that they are looking out for, and it's in you. You gotta be more confident about yourself and grow up."

I know her EQ is lower than mine. So I think she meant for it to be an encouragement. Thanks Abigael.

I have been unhappy for so long, cos I always believe I deserve more.

But now that I have what I want, I am afraid it's more than what I deserve.

But I know it's time I take the driver's seat.

And I'm ready.