I hate myself for loving you

We've all heard of the cliche question asking - whether you'd be with the one who loves you? Or the one you love? Tonite, I feel myself stricken with guilt thinking about this not in relation to any lover, but to my friends around me.

I love my friends... all of them. But there are some whom I typically oblige a little more to. So I guess that must mean I love them a little bit more.

Earlier tonite, there were intentions to go to have supper at XHS with TSJ/MDC. In the end, that didn't materialise. I feel I have availed myself to what was clear dissappointment-to-come from the start. I can only blame myself for being stupid to waste time travelling around in misplaced hope that the supper plan would be executed. I don't care that reasons were used to rationalise why we didn't go in the end. WhenI am called to meet etc, go SK watch Renci show together then go supper, you shouldn't tell me on my arrival that you don't want to go anymore. I could have watched the show at home. We shouldn't be battling with the 'see-how's. There shouldn't even be any 'see-how's.

Fine. I will take responsibility for being stupid.

For that, I didn't meet Jasmine who was in J8 cos I was rushing to meet you in town.

And at 10pm, to avail myself once again on a tiny hope that the supper plan could be executed, I turned down Huangying who would come fetch me to supper with her Italian colleague I've heard so much about and whom I'd like to meet.

And again, I must first say that I do love Jasmine and Huangying. But in choosing to take those unfounded risks with TSJ/MDC, I must have loved them abit more, or felt that 3 beats 1.

And I regret it.

I think Jasmine and Huangying deserves more from me, and it makes me hate myself.

So next time, I must remember... IF I HAVE A CHOICE... to choose people who loves me more than I love them.

But Kimi, GS, OB hold trump cards.