Planting Seeds

I went with Huangying to an FT on Thursday evening.

So my job luck's good. What lousiness I had last year will be more than compensated for now.

About Love, he said I had someone in my life last year that could be THE ONE. Whether we are together (now, forever, or never...) depends on the decision I have made.

I remotely failed at the turn of 2005 with an almost dramatic episode I think my dwarfy friends know of best. But I haven't looked back much for nearly 1.5 months now.

I've decided we'll never be together.

You sure?

Really not?

Then why feeling this way now?

Not looking back is simply a decision.

But it doesn't mean I no longer like/love him.

I guess I'm like your old-fashioned IBM punchcard system... and I can't wipe my memory clean that easily with simple reformats. I retain records of my past... unnecessarily, painfully, definitely. They get misplaced with time... as with archived punchcards. But they do not get deleted... unlike your corrupted hard disc.

Tonight... maybe it's the FT... maybe cos it was about this time last year that he met me and told me about how he applied for summer camp in US to fulfill my uncompleted dream. He's in my mind tonight, and I wonder how he's doing.

I guess he probably doesn't reflect/reminsce as much as I do.

Tonight... I feel like a kid who tried to lawn the backyard, and unintentionally unearthed his favourite dead pet buried there seasons ago.

It's like... you know it's never been far from you. But you know it's dead. You know you can't revive it. You know things can never be the same.

And you only want to kneel there, remember the good times you had with it, smile and cry at the same time, freely allow some tears to befall the dead pet... before you deepen the hole so you can bury that favourite dead pet much more deeply into the earth than before.

And you try not to be reminded of how upset you get even though you've already buried that best-forgotten heart-cum-memory into the soil.

And you wait for new grass to grow over the patch... in hope that new life would make everything look green again.