Shea is my Most Trusted Buddy

Those close to me know that I have been suffering from a very serious bout of heart ache for the past few days. Even my new msn icon has been changed to the broken hearted one... in place of the colorful rainbow which used to represent the new found vibrance in me just a while back.

I do not let the household know of my pain. I feel the household members have enough pains as is. My pain doesn't qualify for the top 5 pains of the year... so no one here needs to know about this.

But it's been difficult. I missed my hall days terribly... I never knew having a space to cry out loud, sob out loud... was so much of a luxury. I LOVE crying... but reality threw another shock at me and I had to face it - the home is not a place for anyone to cry her lungs out.

And I can't in the public. It's just too degrading.

So I can only cry into my pillow...

I can cry in my sleep...

I can cry in my dreams...

I can cry in my heart...

Just now... Shea was playing in my room. She was with a piece of paper, and playing with my whiteboard marker. I was upset... and she just really pricked my heart with her innocence. No... not prick... cos I don't feel like I have a heart left for anyone to destruct any further. I guess her innocence just felt like lemon juice squeezed onto a wound.

And I could bear it no further.

I asked if I could draw her my feelings. And she went "Sure Feini!" and excitedly passed me my marker and her paper.

I drew her a broken heart.

She withdraw her happy face and asked "Oh no Feini... why is your heart broken feini? Who broke your heart feini?"

I kept quiet so I could hold my my tears and choke. I thought - she's just 4+... she can't understand how I feel...

But all of us know how insistent she can be. I didn't want her to continue staring at me with her imploring eyes... so I replied "it's someone feini really really loves, but who makes feini very very sad..." Where it comes to Shea... any answer beats no answer really.

Shea didn't say anything.

She just took the marker... and she started drawing something beside the broken heart.

In fact... she drew 3 pictures. She then seperated all the 4 pictures into 2 groups... such that there were 2 pictures in each big circle that she used to demark 'group'.

Beside the broken heart... she drew a crying girl with LOADS of tears, and curly hair.

Right....

The other 2 pics - one was a complete heart. And this was paired up with a smiling girl, with curly hair as well.

Right....

When your heart is broken like a broken heart by the uncle who makes your heart broken, it makes u very sad feini... and it makes you cry with your curly hair, and your heart is broken...

Then... she gave me a big hug...

I whispered in her ear - it still hurts Shea...

Then she cheekily whispered back...

Then shea's gotta squash you a liddle bit tighter so your heart won't be broken feini...

And she really hugged me a little bit tighter.

She then points to her other set of picture -

Now your heart is not broken anymore feini! I gave you a squashy big hug and now you are happy!

I don't know if she understands... sometimes it feels like she does.

But she's definitely growing up...

And she has taught me that the paper is somewhere else I can 'cry' in...

And she is my new best trusted buddy in the household. I believe she is on my side... she won't tell my mom anything cos her attention span is for 2min only anyway.

I can't wait to watch Spongebob together with her at 730pm tomorrow!

Those not in the know, should not ask me why my heart is broken. I would tell you if I want to. And I have been through the worst 2 days. Now that I've picked up the momentum of feeling withdrawn and heartless... let's keep it this way.