J'aime mon Patron Suisse... juste pas assez...

I guess I love my Swiss boss... in a kind of way that sends a pang of sourness into my heart when I see him with his French girlfriend.

It's the second time I am seeing the girlfriend today. And I was shocked at how I felt upon seeing them together, even though they weren't in any way intimate. In fact, the first time round, I just SAW her. We were leaving the airport for Spain... he was checking in, and she was just standing there. They were not even holding hands! No kisses... nothing... just walking/standing side by side...

At the mass just now, the only contact I witness between them was when she gave him a light pat on his hand after he presented his eulogy. He didn't even look at her.

And yet, I thought I heard a shattering clank coming from my insides.

Later on at the reception, I finally greeted him after an hour of silent admiration from afar. I haven't completed my sheepish "Hello", and he had already given me a half hug, patted me on my back, and we have exchanged the cheek hug/kisses.

I didn't think I would come this close to him again. I like the way he makes my heart freeze when our faces touch. I like the way he makes me feel faint when he smiles (he didn't smile at all today though)... I like the way he calls me Jovelyn in his french accent. I even like the way he smells...

I think I love this man. But... heart-wrenchingly, he is someone else's man.

On my cab ride back, I kept wondering: if i were in a better position to snatch him over for myself, would I?

I cast my karma obsessed self away in the midst of such thoughts. But still, I found myself hitting a guilt block.

I guess, as much as I love my swiss boss in a very special and unique way, maybe I don't love him enough to fight for him?

But would I ever be brave enough and love deeply enough to play the bitch one day?

What is it that bastards, bitches and all other scoundrels starting with 'B's have in them that I don't...? That stops me from selfishly, slimely stealing something/someone that belongs to someone else?

I hope I never find out.