Why I Hate My Mom...

Recently, mom took on a new set of attitudes towards me. She had been nice to me since her birthday last Thu... and I conclude it's cos' I bought her the ugly bonia wallet of her dreams. Shing lamented to me on the power of bribery... which I guess that's kinda true, especially when you're talking about my household...

But her sudden spate of niceness actually is allowing me to experience happiness in a way I am unfamiliar with in these 23 years of life... and I am somewhat impelled to evaluate why this is so.

People who know me knows for a fact as well that I refer to my family as household members... and sometimes I refer to myself as the tenant... and how I refer to the toilet in the residence as the public toilet (especially on the mahjong Sundays...)

My mom hasn't had the most fantastic life... having gone through so many abortions before conceiving the rest of us. Maybe we're the reflection of her karma... and sometimes I do think that not having us around may bring her less pain than what she has to go through everyday.

Anyway, the recent un-harsh tones when speaking to me, 1-litre sized bottle of cranberry juice, my favourite dried mangoes, lose-5-kg-in-a-week-magic-soup etc etc... ironically let me discern why I have bore an abstruse hatred for her all these years...

I hate her for never loving me as her child... I hate her for not loving me the same way she's loved my less-than-deserving siblings... and I hate her for her stupidity in wasting her time on loving them instead of me.

Unlike my siblings, I wouldn't take my own life (be it for some girl, or some hard rock cafe carton box); I wouldn't worry the household with shotgun marriages; I wouldn't run out of my own spending money; I wouldn't crash ah jart nor get myself stuck in a u-turn; I do not make requests for things beyond my own means... etc etc...

I would, on the other hand, aimlessly make my way through the university just to make the household feel proud; slog my ass off to make my own money and buy myself whatever I can afford to with what little keep I have; take on the roles of being the eldest sister or eldest brother much needed in the household... etc etc...

So I can't understand why I received less of what love my siblings got to receive.

I do not blame my dad that much, cos' I know he doesn't know how to be a parent.

But I have seen my mom being a parent to my brother and sister, and I know what she is capable of.

So I can't accept her lack of responsibility in being a parent to me.

And her recent demonstration of that motherlyness attitude to me... kinda gives me the "I'll die with no regrets" feeling, cos' I feel like I finally am able to emphathise with the "motherly love" phenomenon that I so frequently heard about, but never did experience.

I have no idea how long she will maintain her kindness to me.

But till then, I live in bliss.

In the long term, I think this is something that will make me a happy person.

In the short term, I need her to remain as a good and nice mother, cos' I need her to cook the magic soup...