This loss, is not mine.

Hmm I guess… the good thing about being extremely sad… is that it helps you identify who are the people closest to your heart.

I know none of my friends handle crying companions well. But… I didn't give them a choice. Haha.

MF – luckily or not for her… she was driving when the downpour started. I’ve never seen MF cry. I believe she doesn't have tears. But as she talked about suffering in silence… I think what she doesn't have isn’t that she doesn't have no tears. It is that she doesn't have weak meaningless tears… which I so readily have.

Then I called joey… for her unwaivering sense of right and wrong in this past 2 years… despite this monumental heap of rubbish I have subjected myself to. And she has been through heaps of rubbish herself… so I knew she would understand. And… I just somehow felt that she knows me better than I know myself. Cos over 10 years and these 2 guys… I have made too many excuses for myself.

And then… I called kai. I think I need someone to lean on… and in my subconscious… he stood in my head as a steadfast figure. I think he knows, and I know… his place in my heart, and how he’s not getting what he deserves from me.

But… yet he personifies cringy notions of ‘you are not alone’ and ‘I’ll stand by you’. He reminds me of Victor… except that I hope he wouldn’t vanish into thin air like Victor one day… cos I want him to be in my life… unlike Victor who came by the serve a purpose.

I don't know at which point the remote sense of indifference started to settle in – MF and her suggested options of suffering in silence/living with it; joey and her conviction that alex IS the ONLY problem in my life; or kai and his maturity beyond MY age… and the achievable steps he proposed that I can realistically take…

But change has started… and it can only get better. I’ve changed my profile picture… I’ve forced more accountability toward people around me by making an opened commitment to stop loving him… I’ve deleted some meaningless sms that used to tag at my heartstrings… and I have moved him from the IMPORTANT list to a colleagues list on msn.

And it gets clearer as I thrash things out – I don't need him. It is my friends that I need.

you dont call & we dont talk anymore...

hmmm... it's been exactly 6months since i last wrote... and... i wish more had changed... but here we are... still in the same spot.

so what happened in the past 6months?

off the cuff, i can only think of staying with alex for 5 months.

5 months... it's a short period, but with memories enough to last the next 50 years... if i even have that long.

yet, it has only been but 6 weeks since he has left....
and just 6 weekends without him...
but it feels like 6 years...

he, and nobody, knows exactly how much i cry.
i have lost track too.
he says it is not possible to cry a bottle of tears.
but i think it might just have been literally a few buckets...

and yet... we have talked for no more than 6 phone calls.

how does one accept a change... from 24/7 to less than 6 phonecalls in 6 weeks?

i dont know... but it is as it is...
and i know i have to learn to prepare...
for less than 6 phonecalls in 6 months...
and less than 6 phonecalls in 6 years...

soon... i know we wont even know what to talk about anymore, though i've got so much to say to you.

soon... 6 phonecalls would be too much for you...

and soon, there wont be many more 6 years left...