请你少讨厌我一点点... 好吗？

我又不想活下去了。

Today, Ah Jart got into a small accident. I was gonna meet ex-colleagues for dinner. Was gonna take CTE before diverting into PIE. At Braddell, while waiting for the traffic lights to turn green, a car knocked Ah Jart's behind. A third car had banged into the 2nd car, causing it to roll forward and touch Ah Jart.

It wasn't major, but it scared me.

I called my dad, only to get farked off. He wanted me to get a written note from the 2nd guy, saying that since there are no damages incurred between us, we mutually agree to let the matter rest. But the guy was unwilling, I was shivering while talking to my dad... and he was just screaming at me. I ended up making my dad talk to the guy. My dad started his thing about how I will be going to the police station to make a report if he doesn't write me the note.

So, the guy wrote me the note. He was nice. Given how his car was banged head and back, he was nice enough. He's Indian, but he wasn't impatient. You can tell he's snobbish. But he's civil.

I felt scared standing in the middle of the road. I didn't know if I should be letting the car engine continue running or shut it off. I didn't know if I should leave the signals lights on anot. I was afraid the rain would get heavier. I was afraid I would get run over. I am scared of the Indian man. I was afraid people behind would honk at me since I was the first vehicle and we were at the junction.

Now I come back, I feel terrible. More terrible.

I am told my dad's pissed with me cos I didn't make sure that the guy phrase the blardy note properly. It is not shown clearly enough that I was the first vehicle. Although the note states enough to free us from any liability, he is displeased cos it is not specific enough.

And my mom who knows nothing, adds to it.

I think she wants me to go apologise to him for the less than specific note. And she wants me to say it out that I AM STUPID.

I should have stood in the next lane and get run over.

Daddy... 　我快撑不下做你女儿的压力了．．．　你懂吗？我为了你和老妈，无数次站在五楼电梯旁的走廊，想就这样的跳下去算了．．．　你懂吗？我那么做，你会满意一 点吗？我不奢求你和老妈爱我．．．　但你们可以不要那么讨厌我吗？只要少讨厌我一点点，我就应该会很满足了．．．　可以吗？

:'(

黑暗中期待的光线

最近，也不懂为什么... 觉得自己很怕生命中没有光线... 就算是房间暗了，也会情不自禁地觉得被恐惧包围似的。

可能是自己太久没做工... 失去了信心了吧？

可能是人老了吧？

可是... 怕黑暗，怕死会不会太幼稚了？

或许，是觉得目前的生命非常地空虚吧？没有工作，没有爱情， 没有什么想要争取的人，事，物... 没有理想，更没有什么梦想可言...

反而，肩膀上的负担却一一地增加了。看着越来越多白发的父母; 一天一天在长高的Shea; 看起来似乎越来越懂事了的小弟; 与日减少的户口存款... 这一切都让我觉得心很沉重。

每当想到这些，就会幻想： 如果世界没有我了，会不会被任何人发现？可能会有一小撮人会伤心一下吧... 但不久后，这些人也会把我给遗忘了吧。 况且，如果我可以用我的生命来帮我周围的人除掉一点点的坏羯磨， 那他们已就不用那么怕死，可以继续地多自私一点，更不须理会到我的感受地做他们想做的事，而我再也无须被他们的行为觉得伤感... 大家都会开心一点吧?

我知道听起来很像很morbid... 我也不想这儿样。Woeful Wednesday 的小孩都是这样的吧。

为什么觉得无论我怎么地尽力在自己/周围的生活中增加色彩， 我回头一看，会发现我看到的只是一片黑？

我在这个黑暗的世界里活得很不开心。

不管是好或坏，很希望这黑暗的世界会尽快地给我结束。

Important 12... Momentous First

Since my last mention of the 11 smses from Olivier, I must have set off a curse of sort, cos no more smses came in. And just as I had dramatically described to some... it felt as though Olivier and I drifted apart...

Yeah... crap heh?

He went back to Switzerland la... and after that, he's been travelling alot la (as I found out... heh...)

Anyhow, I constantly kept in mind... that I WILL and MUST think of ways to SEDUCE him... haha! Especially so when I hear from my existing 'spies' in the office that he's getting cuter and cuter with each haircut!!!!

He's like a skinny Tom Cruise...

*DDDRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL*

I finally got the 'seduction' plan executed on Wed...

I gave him the handicraft oranges that the Tay household is so very very much into making...

Yeah... 2 big ones, 2 small ones. No little red box to put them into cos they were sold out.

(I suddenly hear his voice saying "nothing sexy. nothing exciting" in my head... in his usual french-swiss accented english...awwwww......)

Yah la. I am ORBIT JART JART.

And I didn't even pass them to him personally. He was out of town again. I passed them to one of my 'spies' who more than gladly promised to pass them to him the moment he is back... and he was back in the office today!

My spy didn't call me the moment she passed them to him as she promised though. ButI guess it was for the better, cos...

SMS #12 that came in at 9.40am sublimely woke me up

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

There were the thanks and happy new year stuff in the sms... not that I want to trivalise those... but... you've got to understand, the last line in the long sms says -

Hope I will spend more time in Singapore so we can meet up!

Aiyer!! How not to feel like 就算现在要我死掉，我也觉得我活够本了!?!？

Alright, so I won't die afterall, cos I need to meet up with him... heh heh heh heh heh....

:p

I thought endlessly about what I should reply... and I couldn't arrive at any decision. It was too difficult and my hands were shaking (I don't know from excitement or sheer bliss.. haha)... smsing was just too much of a task for me... my delimma-tic brain got itself too worked up...

Hence...

I called him.

And we talked! 1.48pm to 1.54pm on 7 Feb 2005.

Wuahahahhahhah!!

(Actually, there was quite a huge anti-climax period. I started calling at 10am+... but was always directed to his voicemail the whole morning)

Told him I'm not working now. Told him about ah beng's episode. Told him that Renault wanted me to work for them at $600/mth. Told him that I still hope to work for Wabco.

And he still impresses me. He is the first person so far who knows what the hell Wabco does... to the point that he knows that I would be going to Shanghai if I do get the job without me having to tell him. And he was so eager to see if he can help! Told me he knows people inside, so let him know if I need him for anything.

And it was very nostalgic talking to him. I asked him if he thinks Wabco is a good company. He gave me a summary better than the one I first found online! He even went into details like how it's gonna be a B2B environment; very technical; gonna involve more features than benefits when I work on the marketing aspects; I'm gonna learn more about trailers, trucks and bigger automobiles.

I fell in love with Olivier cos he made me respect him.

Not cos he was shuai, cos then, at that point in time, I was blinded by some other.

I recall how, I really didn't like him one bit... how I would come home in the evenings and tell my mom that I don't know how to make him leave me alone cos he's always trying to play with me and talk to me, but I don't like it cos I don't understand him 50% of the time with his accent. How I think he is too tall and I need to stand further away if not I can't see his face (and it's very tiring for me to tilt my head upwards... listening to him already exhaust alot of energy you must understand...), but he'll always annoy me by moving even closer... partly becos he simply wants to tease/shy me.

And how blardy irritating he was when we went to Japan alone cos he'll purposely walk faster and laugh at me when I have to half-run painfully in 3.5" high boots to catch up with him; how he ordered more beer for me when he saw that I was drunk on sake; how he pressurized me at work when he himself was stressed up; how he asks me if I am only 7 years old when I added graphics to ppt slides.

Still, he made it easy for me to fall in love with him.

Or maybe... he made it easy for me to respect him... and unknowingly, but gradually, fall in love with him.

I've learnt alot from this man.

And I like it when people teaches me things. Many things....

I liked many poeple before; I thought I'd like to marry a couple of them.

I'd like to grow old with Olivier. He's the only one by far.