Congratulations to Me

I'm looking forward to the end of my one year vacuum (since I left Michelin). Till then... I land myself into... well... events/dilemmas/confusions... all the time. Recapping on the week just passed...

Monday (21 Mar 05)
Quarrelled with a long time friend. All that happened was: She asked me for recommendations on where to take resume pics... she started to rave about her dislike for another friend, whom in the first place, she had never had personal problems with, and they haven't come into contact for the past month. I told her that I really would appreciate it if she would spare me from negative energy first thing in the week.

In return, I was screamed at for being a slut, bitch. Told me I was childish, useless and stupid... that's why I cannot find a job. She had been holding it back so difficultly for so long... but she just got to let a slut like me know that... kinda as a last favour she'd do for me... cos I was too stupid to not see that the only reason why I haven't got a job is cos I am too useless.

So... maybe I am a smart ass. Too bad for the whole world out there then.

I really do not wish to put up any defence for words spoken by someone sore with me for the past Nth years cos I've: -

a) performed better at 'O' Levels
b) performed better at 'A' Levels
c) got into NTU Marketing, even though I'd no prior intentions of getting into the course whereas she'd spent at least 4 years pining, but did too poorly to get in
d) never made wrong-enough decisions to get into foolish relationships, whereas she has been screwed by too many men for her own good
e) an older, generous dad who waived off my study loan for me, but she has to slog to pay it off
f) started off at a job with a glam factor, and getting a higher starting salary than her
g) being able to afford not working for a year and yet travelling like I only need an EzLink card on planes

Wednesday (23 Mar 05)
Whilst out for a movie, got offered a job at ING Bank. I like the boss, the pay's ok. But they have bullshit issues with headcount... hence gonna place me on 6 months renewable contract.

Did I mention that it's a BANK (aka financial related = accounting related = stigma)??

HR will call me on Tuesday. I will start work on Friday.

Thursday (24 Mar 05)
On my way out, I witness some bullies at work. 3 against 1. I felt very very angry. But I did nothing. They were birds.

Went to see regular FT about my job issue. She thinks I should take it up. And while mom was speaking to FT, another coy (Research Plus) calls. Ask FT... she did her magic, and told me in 10/52 cards flipped that I should take up the latter.

I remain confused at this point.

Saturday (26 Mar 05)
I went babysitting a 1-yr old ang moh baby gir for $10/hr at a suite in some Bugis hotel. The dad's a comedian from Australia, and he's here for a gig at some sleazy club.

At the end of the day...
I know neither of the 2 jobs are right for me, and I do not like either one of them cos I know they will not keep me for too long... and I AM STILL looking into recruit at this very moment.

But I have loads of external pressures to contend with, and I don't feel like I should place my personal happiness in priority at this point in time.

Yeah. So do not tell me good luck, for luck's not what I need for doing something I do not desire.

Just congratulate me, so I know I at least, maybe, made you happier that I am finally gonna be doing something.

Planting Seeds

I went with Huangying to an FT on Thursday evening.

So my job luck's good. What lousiness I had last year will be more than compensated for now.

About Love, he said I had someone in my life last year that could be THE ONE. Whether we are together (now, forever, or never...) depends on the decision I have made.

I remotely failed at the turn of 2005 with an almost dramatic episode I think my dwarfy friends know of best. But I haven't looked back much for nearly 1.5 months now.

I've decided we'll never be together.

You sure?

Really not?

Then why feeling this way now?

Not looking back is simply a decision.

But it doesn't mean I no longer like/love him.

I guess I'm like your old-fashioned IBM punchcard system... and I can't wipe my memory clean that easily with simple reformats. I retain records of my past... unnecessarily, painfully, definitely. They get misplaced with time... as with archived punchcards. But they do not get deleted... unlike your corrupted hard disc.

Tonight... maybe it's the FT... maybe cos it was about this time last year that he met me and told me about how he applied for summer camp in US to fulfill my uncompleted dream. He's in my mind tonight, and I wonder how he's doing.

I guess he probably doesn't reflect/reminsce as much as I do.

Tonight... I feel like a kid who tried to lawn the backyard, and unintentionally unearthed his favourite dead pet buried there seasons ago.

It's like... you know it's never been far from you. But you know it's dead. You know you can't revive it. You know things can never be the same.

And you only want to kneel there, remember the good times you had with it, smile and cry at the same time, freely allow some tears to befall the dead pet... before you deepen the hole so you can bury that favourite dead pet much more deeply into the earth than before.

And you try not to be reminded of how upset you get even though you've already buried that best-forgotten heart-cum-memory into the soil.

And you wait for new grass to grow over the patch... in hope that new life would make everything look green again.

Balloon & Fat Arms

Friday, 11 March, 10pm...

Me innocently walking into kitchen... wanna go toilet to pee.

"昨天，Balloon被那个pump吸到。Heng有被我看到。"

Turn left, turn right.

Eh... no one around... so my dad IS talking to me...

"Huh? 什么 Balloon?"

Well... turns out my dad was talking about one of his fishes... haha! Aiyoh... I thought it was sweet how he has names for his fishes...

Anyway, that is his personal favourite... and it is MINE too! Haha! It's this white and orange one with a perfectly rounded stomach.

Sad thing is... it's twin died 2 weeks ago cos it got caught between the filter pump and tank.

I don't know if my dad's simply feeling that bit of extra sympathy for the remaining one. But I personally like it cos I feel it's seems like the brightest fish in the tank... it's very alert, always the first one to realise I'm gonna secretly feed them in the middle of the night...

Yeah... it may sound quite mad... but I've grown to like watching my dad's fishes... I've watched them swim around fighting for food for more than an hour in the middle of the night. I had criminally fed them butter rolls once cos I couldn't find the fish feed.

And I actually talk to them, believe or not.

Yeah... I ask them if they think the other people in the household are weird. I ask them if they hated the weekly mahjong noises as much as I do. I ask them if my dad talks to them too. I ask them if Ah Beng secretly feeds them in the middle of the night too. I ask them if they remember what I told them the day earlier.... and proceed to talk about what happened about XXX topic since my last mention etc...

Haiz... Shea doesn't have all the time in the world to pay attention to what I am talking about la. And there isn't that many other people I can talk to when I am at home.

Speaking of Shea...

Supposed to bring her go watch the Heffalumps Movie later today, but learnt that her mom wants to bring her to some party. So I went to her, telling her that our SECRET PLAN has to be cancelled...

What's the problem, Feini?

Well... your Abigael mummy's gonna bring you to a card making party. And I think she only has one invitation, so I can't go.

But we can always make another invitation card so you can go Feini! I REALLY want you to go together Feini!

Well, I'm not sure if it's gonna be alright Shea. Maybe Abigael mummy doesn't want me to go cos maybe she thinks I'm too fat... you'll never know about such things right? (haha... devil's advocate)

*GASP.....* We've got to call mummy and tell her it's ok to be fat! I mean... koo koo said I have fat arms too... and we gotta go to the party even if you are fat, Feini!"

Haiz...

Whose side is she on... you tell me.

My Best Friend Forever

I went for a couple of interviews on Tuesday. I thought the one with SIA was THE ONE interview of my life. The other one with Toyota... I didn't give much regard to it, simply cos it was a Japanese company, and anyhow, the interview I had with Subaru on Saturday sucked.

Isn't it screwed how I/some people have allow myself/themselves to exercise such (Singaporean) self-supremacy over the almighty Japanese? Sigh I tell you...

(I may/may not dwell on the selfishness & hypocrisy of a particular ex-band mate, who also applied and got the SIA job, another time if I do get less lazy... people who knows what happened, please feel free to spread the word... I do pray for the day to come when her atrocious nature would come to light, and she gets her deserving karma. 貌从心生... internally ugly people like her will get exposed one day. For me, I now know how her LKY Global Business Plan award came about at least... shrewdness and hypocrisy probably rules some's world)

Anyway, I was left feeling devastated about the SIA episode.

If I had screwed it up, maybe I wouldn't feel that bad.

But I don't feel I have been given a fair chance to be interviewed. I was asked about less than 5 questions I guess. The interviewers were clearly disinterested or tired... their spoken and body language clearly explicited that they just wanted to get this whole interviewing thing over and done with.

So I was demoralised.

So I wanted to cry again.

Yeah. So I am pathetic.

I returned from the Toyota interview, thinking I felt better cos the interviewers were nice to me to say the least.

The moment I stepped into the house, I saw my SIA papers lying on my bed, and I wanted to cry again. I was about the close my door and spend some time indulging in my little self pity... when little Miss Shea tailed me into the room excitedly...

Hey Feini! You have a surprise for... me???

Me: I'm afraid not Shea... not today. How's your day Shea?

It's been great Feini! How about you Feini?

I rushed to close the door, cos I could feel my face turning red... having difficulty holding back my tears in my head (don't wish to have the mother and aunts see me cry)... thereby unintentionally & unnecessarily creating an atmosphere of secrecy...

Me: I had a terrible day Shea.

But why Feini? (in a hushed tone...)

Me: I went for my very important interview today... you remember I told you about it?

Oh yahhhhhh..... (even though I know she didn't...)

Me: Well, I went for my very important interview, and they didn't want me... and it makes me very upset... and it makes me wanna cry Shea...

(I kept my head low... so the tears wouldn't flow... Shea watched me... clearly in DEEP thoughts... and with the earnest-est of looks... and with the sincerest of touch, she placed her little hands on my right hand....)

Is it because you are too fat?

Me: .............................................................

(shameful nod)

....f....i.....v......e.....s......e.......c......o......n.......d.......s........

(Shea suddenly throws her short little arms around my much too huge body for those little arms of hers after the same puppy-eyed stare....)

But I'll still love you even if you are fat, Feini...

Is this what 患难见真情 means?